2007

So hows it been then? On the face of it it's been pretty damn good, but then again it doesn't take much to spoil things.

At least the people I consider worthy to breathe the air on this planet are more or less still here and to my knowledge, fairly happy..... I know that sounds a little downbeat but you didn't come here thinking I was gonna be all "Commercial Radio DJ" did you?

So here's a rundown of my personal hits and the shits of 2007

I became a "home owner" - Hit
I lost my AddieCat - Shit
Hip infection and the biggest needle jammed into my groin to remove "fluid" - Shit
A weekend in a private hospital - Hit
My name on a Wonder Stuff CD - Hit
Teaching my little fruitloop how to ride a bike - Massive Hit!
Arson attack on the flats where I live - Shit
My first bike tour on the European continent (and driving on the wrong side of the road) - Hit
A new car - Hit
A final date for my hip resurfacing - Hit
Canceling my Op 2 days before its due - Shit
Being mentioned in a Miles Hunt song intro - Hit

So, what will 2008 bring? well, there's a new hip to think about, but I'm not holding my breath. Work stuff comes to a head in January as the ongoing Remedy project goes live in the first few weeks of 2008, but without its champion at the helm it's doomed to early retirement as the Luddites who rule the asylum shout it down...... nothing changed there then.

As this is a blog, I'd like to thank all those visitors who regularly come back for more of my gobshite. There'll be even more during 2008 so keep coming back.

Love, light, and happiness for 2008 and beyond.

Xmas Number 1

Can you see that? That band I help out with are at No 1 in the Rock charts.... It's officially a Christmas Number 1 for Scree!

Now, this is where you have to listen to me...... please do not go to that site and listen to ANY of the stuff up there...... It's bloody awful. I'm not saying that in some kind of "playing it down for effect" response..... it really is nasty. By all means click on the play button to rack up another hit, but for the love of life dont actually listen to any of it.

It's a shame really, cos I love fannying about in Scree... I just hate these "session" recordings.

Oh well, never mind then.

Positive Thinking

Christmas.

As a kid, Xmas was THE most important time, and looking back through all the Xmas's I've experienced those early years were magical.

Parents that lived together, 3 siblings all with the same mother/father and all fairly happy being there......... Who'd of thought those things would become a coverted item?

I don't really think I ever believed in Santa when young. Even as a kid I'd insist on hard evidence when talk revolved around Santa, his elf helpers or even the tooth fairy...... a passport, utility bill from the last 3 months or perhaps an elf/fairy body from a recent accident would have helped.

I also remember how fantastic TV was back then, OK, maybe the tinted specs have affected my judgment but no-one can deny the thrill and anticipation of the Morcambe and Wise Christmas Shows in the 70's.
It's a very British thing, Americans have Apple Pie, but we have the Morcambe and Wise shows, watched by over half the entire population of Great Britain their show defined how good Xmas would be.

It's never been the same since.

Anyhow, here's a clip that you don't see much these days, it's a corker and really does make you smile.

it was... honest.

I knew he was someone I'd seen on the telly, but I just couldn't put my finger on who it was. The way he called all the staff by their first names and the confidence in his voice he was either "theatrical" or a twat........ he was far too well dressed to be the usual twat you'd find in a doctors waiting room. but for the life of me I couldn't place his mug.

That was almost 3 weeks ago. 
It's taken that long for my subconscious to re-assemble the facts and spring the answer.
It was...... Edward Woodward.

He now resides in my growing list of celebrities I've had the chance to talk to but didn't.

These include:

Janice Long - while interviewing Miles Hunt
Vic Reeves - at a Wonder Stuff Gig
Ken Dod - at a dog show
Bobby Thompson - another dog show
Angus Deayton - bus stop in London
Lionel Blair - Waitrose car park in West Byfleet
Des Lynam - shouted obscenities at me from a moving car
Dermot Morgan (Father Ted) - told me to "Feck Off" at the Turks Head in Twickenham
Pete Waterman - I told him to "feck off" - Green room for the Gloria Hunniford Show

Arse....

I really cant think of anything to write about. Several ideas have been started then erased. Maybe I need another cap of Tramadol?

Some of the subjects that have been erased from this very space in the last 30 mins.

1. Xmas day Lunch and why I'm not having one
2. As an amateur misogynist, what I miss the most?
3. The tranquility of not having a family to argue, shout at, and lie to during Xmas
4. My 10 year old bottle of Port
5. My new batch of Chilli
6. Nurses dont understand a mans chest hair
7. Is my Xmas tree really that bad?

Pauleeeeeen....

Its not every day someone bangs on ya front door and suggests you gather up what family you have and run like buggery as the block of flats you're in is being devoured by flames.......

But that's what happened last night..... And its surprising what you learn from your neighbours while watching the fire brigade breathing apparatus at the ready storm into the building.

I should point out that no one has been hurt and were all back in our flats (this statement could change as the days progress, mainly because I'm not very good when it comes to being a nosey git)

First off, a big big thanks to the fella living directly above me, he was the one who initially raised the alarm, attempted to put out the fire and made sure everyone was out. Bit of a hero really, although I did hear the Fire Commander (oh hell yes, not Fire Chief any more, COMMANDER) telling him off for having a go at the fire himself..... and yes, you've guessed it, the Fire COMMANDER was the one who stayed outside, well away from any naked flames while this was going on.... a case of Pot, Kettle, un-accompanied chip pan and black methinks.

The flat where the fire started (up stairs and about 3 doors along from me) has a bit of a history. Apparently during the summer it was being used by a couple of thieving gypos/pykies who were causing all kinds of problems for just about all the people upstairs.... all of this was unknown to me until last night BTW and is more or less just hearsay, but I'll share anyhow.

There had been various incidents and they we're eventually removed about 3 weeks go and the flat has been empty (empty of scum anyhow) since

The fella upstairs (I don't do names, there's too many of them and unless I've shagged them, borrowed money from them or are just around for so long it becomes embarrassing not to remember their names then I just cant be arsed) heard a noise, a beeping and went to investigate, this was about 18:15, he could smell smoke then noticed plumes of the stuff coming from the wide open door of flat 9. He stuck his head around the corner and in his words "looked like something I could have a go at" and went to get a fire extinguisher!

Unfortunately, when he returned (seconds in his account) the flat was well alight with thick noxious black smoke quickly filling the hall way. That's when he went into action and got everyone out.

Its odd what people do when confronted with something like this, my first thought was to put my coat on cos no matter how hot the fire was it would be freezing standing outside in my civvies.

As soon as I was outside the fire brigade were pulling up and before long we had 3 engines on site with an ambulance and cop cars. Fella from upstairs was treated for smoke inhalation, which was kinda ironic as he was sucking on a ciggy just a few moments before (he was OK BTW). And I watched as a reluctant Fireman had to "Firemans Lift" some woman from upstairs who had decided she would "wait it out"..... until several fireman threatened to Pole Axe her front door and drag her out .

After about 90 mins we were all allowed back in, there's no water or smoke damage to my flat but there's a nasty smell in the hallway (nothing to do with me this time). I've not spoken to any of the neighbours as yet, but it looks like there's a ton of smoke damage upstairs

Oh, and the consensus is that the gypos/pykies came back and torched the flat. Lovely. Anyone wanna buy a flat in an "exciting" part of town?

Mickey Love: wants to be a fireman and is in love with Pauleeeeeen

NEC Bike Show 2007

Xylophones

"it's a me, Mario"

Super Mario Galaxy on the Nintendo Wii.....

Ok, I'm 40 and feel that an interest in video games maybe something I should keep quiet. It feels like I should be more concerned with appropriate activities a 40 year old would be into... maybe Fly Fishing, smoking a pipe or even violently slapping the wife.


But I never really got over the excitement of playing Combat on the original Atari VCS or the absolute thrill of Williams Defender in the arcades.


As I don't put up with the constant tedium of enforced companionship and its myriad of costly and frequent demands on interior decorating, expensive foreign holidays and soft furnishings I can spend a little of my own money on things I want.......



Just as well I'm an ugly fat bastard then, how obnoxiously annoying would it be if I were also devilishly hansom? Swings and roundabouts.


All this just to tell you Nintendo's long awaited Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii is magnificent. It really is a killer app. No wonder the Wii is still in short supply nearly a year after its launch.


Talking of Fly Fishing and pipe smoking, both of which I'd very much like to try (slapping the wife was never my thing, but what the hell, if she needs a slap gimme a ring), I've also got a want for a monicle. Sir Patrick Moore is officially now the ONLY living man to wear a monicle. If we're not careful, we could loose this ancient and slightly eccentric visual enhancement apparatus forever.

New toys

Lots of new toys to play with over the last week or so.

I got myself a new car... Its a Honda Civic from the 25th century. It has hover motors and can travel back into the future.... There's a woman trapped in the dashboard too, she tells the time and knows where the nearest Mexican restaurant is and wont tell you off if you pick your nose or accidentally reverse into small children.

I'm back at my old desk at work, which I vacated about 2 years ago. Luckily it was never annexed by Peanut Characters as I'd left several of my former personalities there to guard my precious things.

This is Carl, one of my personalities. You should always address Carl with his full name or he becomes ever so translucent...... meet Carl Heinz-Pilchards-in-Tomato-Sauce Claderman

Update....

Still no update available for the Op..... As per usual, the private sector is as useless as the public... I've lost confidence in the doctors and hospital involved. (The Nuffield at Woking, UK)

I've had to call, push and shout just to get information as to what's going on.... and still no reply.

If there's anyone out there who fancies the best part of £20k to fit me a new hip then please get in touch.

On a happier note... Tomorrow will be the last time I have to drive that damn awful Ford Fiesta. I've been told to "leave it in the company car park, someone will eventually collect it". Which I think is code for "park it up on the embankment and leave the handbrake off"

So, tomorrow I'll be attempting to get to grips with the new car... with its automatic transmission. That's gonna be a few weeks of "interesting" driving...

I want to punch people

So what now?

Months, no YEARS of mental negotiations with myself to get to where I was on Friday morning, 2 days before a major operation..... and I'm not gonna mention the pain.

To cope with it I've had to shut down parts of my life so I could muster the positive mental state I needed to be in. I've been through almost every conceivable situation in my mind so I can prepare for recovery on my own......
for example, have you ever thought of what muscles you use when going for a dump? I have, in minute detail.
How about getting to a shower or bath..... or perhaps getting food in from the supermarket..... even coughing has to be pre planned and organised to military precision.... don't even think about socks/shoes.

So, what now?

I have a mental void bigger than any IBM Manager I could mention. Everything in my life had been postponed and now I find myself being pinched from all sides almost immediately.
I'm being asked my opinion on whether or not Em's mom should get married to the fella she's currently arguing with, work expects me to jump straight back into the fray....... all I wanna do is yell F*%K OFF as loud as I can to EVERYONE I can.

Would it be such a great shame if I karked it on the Op Table? Well.... no (it's at this point I should tell you that I'm not looking for sympathy, nor is it a cry for help, this is me being very very pragmatic.... and extremely f*%ked off... So don't go calling the Samaritans or asking if you can have my CD collection as its not gonna happen, I'm not that lucky)

I certainly would prefer to go that way than how-ever-many-years as a cripple and dying an agonising death in a shit stained hovel only to be found 3 weeks later cos the neighbours are complaining of the smell...... again

Going on the Op Table has many benefits, no recovery time, less tax to pay and if radical Muslims have got it right, a hareem of young beautiful virgins at my disposal.... not to mention Em would be the sole beneficiary of a not too shabby payout (thats if her mother dosent piss it up the wall first).


think I'll go shout at passing cars... .maybe wave my cripple stick at them too.

CANCELLED

Well, come Monday I'll not be unzipped like a cheap duffel bag and have my crumbling hip exchanged for a nice new shiny one.... It's been cancelled.

Apparently the gas-man took one look at my EEG and waved the white flag.

And that is that..... My heart is good enough to haul my fat arse around but not good enough for an anesthetic.

Lovely, don't mind me, I'll just carry on in agony for the next 40 years as a cripple.

T minus 3 days and counting.....

I think I'm still having my new hip on Monday, "think"? Hmmmm... I went for a pre-op check up on Tuesday, all seems to be fine except for my irregular heartbeat.

It's so irregular the blood pressure machine refused to register my existence and it had to leave the room in shame.... apparently, "it's never happened to it before".... and "It's probably stress, what with work and everything....."

No-one seems too bothered, especially me, I think I've reached the point where I want it over and done with. And to be honest, it's not actually ME they're concerned about, it's more to do with cheap daytime TV adverts

I also had a lengthy chat with the Physio. She seems to think it'll be a walk in the park (with lengthy spells of screaming) as long as I stick to the exercises.

On a good note she did say I'd be able to resume sexual relations within 3-4 weeks after surgery...... which was very nice of her to offer but I suggested we should start dating first then see how things progress.... I mean, how could I possibly feel secure with someone who seemingly offers sex to everyone post hip replacement?

There's still a question on how I go about certain bodily functions, putting on socks/shoes, dealing with steps, getting in/out of cars, shopping, cooking and generally not ending up a stinking mass of congealed excrement jammed in a corner of the flat for a prolonged period of time.

I can see several positive creative "challenges" coming my way in the next few weeks!

Oh, it looks like I'll be finally getting my new automatic car soon. Delivery is set for the 19th of November..... 2 weeks into my 6 weeks of an enforced driving ban... Lovely. I can sit and watch "The Lodger" wave and drive off in my car.

Suspended by Stars

Last year I was given the golden opportunity of being the Drum Tech for The Wonder Stuff's 2006 Tour in the UK. That 3 week trip brought more emotion, experience and insite into how my favorite band puts things together than I could of imagined. From the camaraderie of everyone involved to the sheer professionalism I witnessed...... It was simply magical

I can only assume that to the rest of the seasoned crew and band I must of looked like a rabbit caught in headlights..... and for good reason, it's not often you get to work with pure genius.

Anyhow, I took an awful lot of photos, some of which had found there way onto the cover of the new Live double album soon to be released.

Just how honored and chuffed am I?

very chuffed indeed!

Check out the thanks section in the scan from the inside cover above

The Plan (walking up a hill in the Lake District) Part 2

Do you remember my PLAN on walking up a hill in the Lake District?

Well, I've had to change the hotel as the original one is fully booked..... but at least I'm booked in! (to the new hotel)

The new gaff can be found here. It's called the Red Lion and is situated right in the middle of Grasmere.

Just to remind people, I'm doing this walk to celebrate my new hip...... and to help me focus on getting it "bedded in"

If anyone is still up for this walk to the top of Helm Crag in The Lake District, Grasmere

on the weekend of August 22-24 2008

the plan is to arrive Friday, walk the hill Saturday morning, get drunk Saturday evening, leave Sunday afternoon after a massive Sunday Lunch.

then feel free to come along. There's no need to book a hotel if ya don't want to, I'm doing it cos I'll need a place to oil the knackered old bones once I've done it.

'alright Dave?

OK, lets get this out the way....

For some strange reason there's a new digital TV channel calling itself Dave. For the most part, that's what people call me (to my face)... it is my name after all.

This has caused at least two people to smile, point at the TV and say "hehe Dave...... that's your name that is".

and that's as far as my interest in this goes really..... although, I'd like to know the marketing reasons for giving a cable TV station a blokes name

More experiments

OK, this shows the brief "meeting" between the guards (who had lost control at this point) and the prisoners to decide if we should end it all and go home or continue being on the telly..... all hidden to make it look like we were continuing the "social study".

The ring leaders "Edwards and Petkin" (prisoners) had been a pain in the arse, childish and arrogant. It was more of a playground than a social experiment

I should point out that there is a little bad language (maybe I should of explained that earlier, Opps, sorry).

A trip throught your brains, ride the scarlet train...

My hip will be having one last shindig later this month and you're all invited.

Miles Hunt will be playing Guildford's Boiler Room on Thursday 25th October (7pm kickoff)



So, I'f you're up for it and would like to be entertained (either by Milo or by the pain I'm in) then simply get ya Tickets from these chancers..


PS: there's a pint for the first to complete the lyric in the title of this post. And another pint for the title of the song*


*you have to goto the gig to claim your free pint(s)

Ok, enought of the hip thing, we get it....

I dug out the DVD of me on the telly, and with nothing better to do decided to slice out a bit and put it here...

This was 6 years ago, I'm now much prettier to look at and have a bright green racing car.


and here's the title sequence from the show....

Countdown has started

a new shiney hip will be spliced into place on

Monday 5th November 2007

My hip which looks, well, kinda like this...

will then be "shaped" using this.....

and will eventually look something like this....

bugger..... it all looks rather.... painful.

New leg on the cards!

Folks, it's getting closer.... I can almost smell that tell tail copper tang that gives away the spillage of claret.

Yesterday I had a consultation with the head chopper cropper in Hip replacement surgery. Top bloke if a little self assured about his chosen profession.

There's no getting away from it, surgeons are not normal people.

Most people who show an overly keen interest in slicing into unconscious humans usually end up being dramatized in an ITV Tuesday night special and having to answer to 21 stone "Maureen" in the men's showers at the Big House

Fortunately for me, this fella decided to get some medical qualifications and keep the crossed-out stick men on the bonnet of his car to a minimum.

So, the plan is for me to have a Birmingham Hip Replacement, also known as Hip Resurfacing sometime in November of this year. (Birmingham eh! Seems that a lot of troubles in my life have been solved by things from Birmingham..... you know who you are!)

I'm still waiting on the insurance company's approval....... (long pause)

BASTARDS!

Sorry..... I have a mental image of some Standard Life rep bent over my policy attempting to find the medieval small print that denies a payout due to whistling on Tuesdays.

No.... I'm sure it'll be fine.

So, there's a lot of compromises I've gotta except if this all goes ahead.... I'm not too worried about the Op or the pain, its the after care and not being able to drive to pick up Em that's gonna be the killer.

4-8 weeks off work and not being able to do normal things...... hmmm.

Still, the outlook is fairly good, by Feb '08 I could be completely fixed!

A tip of the hat

I've spotted the name Ronnie Hazlehurst many many times on the credits of so many classic British TV shows, but never really gave him the credit for the amazing work he helped create. Sadly Ronnie passed away yesterday at the age of 79

So, rest in peace there fella, and thanks for those wonderful, wonderful tunes you pulled from the ether (he never mentioned anything about a number 9 bus from Stourbridge btw).

and boy, did he leave a legacy, his family should be very very proud

Here's just some of the theme tunes credited to Ronnie

Some Mothers Do Have 'Em (the piccolo spells out the title of the show in Morse
Code!)
Last Of The Summer Wine
Yes Minister
No Place Like Home
The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin
Sorry

I'm mmmeeeelllltinggggggg...

Yes, it's official..... Just like the Wicked Witch of the West I too am melting.

It was confirmed by my recent visit to the rheumatologist who agreed that "whatever" caused my hip to dissolve is now chewing its way through my left knee, hence the pain keeping me awake during the night.

He did give me the medical name for it, I cant remember it of course..... in layman's terms its some lining in or around the knee joint that's inflamed (they don't know why its inflamed) which causes the intense pain.....

I have my own theory..... As I'm not involved in a relationship my body is missing the intense emotional pain caused by the constant tedium of enforced companionship and so has turned against my left hip and knee and is slowly dissolving them from the inside out.

So, as the rheumatologist has more or less washed his hands of me I'll be back to see the knife-man. No doubt he'll complain about my collection of fat but at least its a painful limp in the right direction.


So, to lighten the mood can you think of ANY other characters from TV/Movies or books that have melted?

Here's some to get you started....

Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard Of Oz)
Me

A Gammy leg and a crap car

People around me know that I hate my latest company car (I know, I'm very lucky to even have a company car, but that's not the point), mostly I hate it 'cos I stupidly decided which car to have purely on economic grounds .... this meant I ended up with a Ford Fiesta 1.4 Ghia Diesel.... and what a mistake that was.

I dunno what the hell has happened to Ford, but this car is nasty. Externally, it looks like two separate cars welded together, there's no way the same designer created the rear and the front of this car. Internally its just as bad, built to a budget (a very very small one at that) and barely functional

I choose the Ghia option as I thought it would add a little comfort to a basic car.... in fact, the £1200 extra for the Ghia version added 4x Ghia badges, rain sensing wipers and a silver gear knob (and no, its not real silver)

I understand that a diesel engine can be a little more noisy, but this thing is deafening..... whenever I drive the car I have a flock of seagulls (the feathered variety and not the 80's pop band) behind me wondering when I'm gonna start ploughing.... It really is that bad.

But it is cheap to run..... it requires no oil or servicing and a tank full of chip fat will last for 400 miles.... so I guess it's done its job so far....

But now I'm getting the chance to change it.... why? cos of my gammy leg! I just happened to mention it to the fleet manager, and he/she said under the current agreement I can change the car to an automatic on medical grounds.... and as there are no affordable automatics in the pool I can go ahead and order a brand new motor (as long as its an auto).

I do know it wont be another FORD and not just because the Fiesta is a bag of arse. The main reason for not wanting another FORD is their Franchise holder Dagenham Motors.... They have to be the rudest people I've had the misfortune to deal with. A truly awful bunch of people to work with.

I'll let ya know what I get...

for no other reason.

Things I have carried home while drunk.

1. The wooden pineapple from the top of a fence (still located in an indoor plant in Highpoint)
2. A 10 inch high letter "H"
3. A nurse belonging to a house mate
4. A front door
5. various car ariels
6. A pair of tramps trousers, bought in London while on a bender
7. Bebe Hudd

this sceptred isle

This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by Nature for herself Against infection and the hand of war, This happy breed of men, this little world, This precious stone set in the silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of less happier lands,-- This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

William Shakespeare, "King Richard II", Act 2 scene 1

Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)

I'd never imagine I would be quoting Shakespeare in this blog. But while putting the finishing touches to the above photo, the words to this famous passage came back to me. 500 years on and I really cant think of two better bed mates than this picture and those words.

Giant Cola Cubes

No Em, no On Call..... no sleep

750 miles round trip......................

to take some sunrise pictures of Bamburgh Castle

....and some very large Cola Cubes

The full show can be found here

Ten Thousand Visitors

I've just noticed I've had over 10,000 visitors to this Blog...... Most of them have wanted me to buy either Viagra, hair restorer or help them share out millions of $'s by using my bank account.... Just how lucky am I!

I'm officially more popular than Small Pox. Marvelous!

Alchemy

Take one jar of premium pickled onions, 200g's of mussels and prawns and an assortment of snacks and mix liberally with copious amounts of Pepsi Max

Retire to a safe distance and brew at body temperature for 10 hours.

Last night, I had to tie the duvet down with tent pegs.

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 3)

Dream 3:

I don't want to go into details about this one. It's more or less me trying to find out why Linda's Family shunned me completely when she left.  It revolves around her creating a diversion to take away the truth about her infidelity.

Analysis:

Is there something more to this 14 years on? Am I so bored with life that my subconscious has decided to pick a fight with me while I sleep

My 3 day dream bizarre (Part 2)

Dream 2:

This is an odd one. I'm in Wales (my usual short break destination on the bike) in an unknown pub/hotel. I get the feeling that I'm there to judge a competition, I cant elaborate on the subject cos I've no idea, there's no paraphernalia around me to suggest any kind of competition, I just have this "feeling".... anyhow.

I'm in this Welsh pub, various people sitting around drinking, mostly old fellas wearing cloth caps and plaid suits (?). I then get this overwhelming sensation of responsibility, the kind you get when worrying about ya kids and their future.

I then discover that my cat is with me. In the dream I don't question this, not only would I never take Addie to any public place but she passed away over 6 months ago.

In the dream I worry about getting her back home, even tho she seems perfectly happy in the pub. I then have fractured recollections of her playing with me, jumping on me and snuggling into me like she used to..... But the overall memory was being able to actually feel her in my hands, and that big bushy tail brushing against my face including that tell tail twitch in my nose that reminds me I'm allergic to cat hair.

Conclusion:

Did she come and visit me in my dream? Was she telling me that where ever she is now, she's OK?

Or was it my need to feel useful or wanted invading my subconscious?

My 3 day dream bizarre

Dream 1:

I start off driving, somewhere in the north east... It's a coastal town and I come across a huge steep hill... in fact its so steep I'm unsure if the car will get up it. But it must be OK, cos all the way up the hill and on top there are shops and houses and people milling about. So, I start on up the hill (in the car). I notice to my left there's the usual vista of the North Sea, except its really close.... and its in a bad mood.

As I travel up the hill, I notice that no-one else is the slightest bit concerned that the approaching tide & waves are lapping the bottom of the hill..... and then I notice I'm running out of gears as I traverse up the hill, 4th, then 3rd, then 2nd...... and now 1st gear..... the car is struggling, the waves are getting closer, the hill is getting steeper.

I eventually scramble out of the car, just as I get a hold of the crest of the hill with my bare hands...... someone comes and grabs my arm from the top, but the crest of the hill is crumbling because of the sea spray from the all engulfing waves lapping at my feet.

At this point my subconscious seems to have had its fun and decides its time to change the subject. I'm fully awake.

Analysis:

It's probably the hip thing... The hard struggle ahead I would guess. But do I really need my subconscious to put it so brutally?

The Plan

It's not certain, but I'm fairly sure I'll be getting a new leg soon (when I say leg, I actually mean hip, but effectively, it's a new leg).
I've not seen the quacks yet, but I've had enough, Emily has had enough, work has had enough, and anyone who reads this has probably had enough....
The only person who hasn't had enough is my Rheumatologist who charges £200 a visit to do little more than grimace at me half undressed and who fails to inspire confidence by asking me "which hip is it again?"

I think it's time to book an appointment with Dr Mengele again.

The other reason for wanting the opp now is that I'm the size of a small bungalow (furnished with a large unkempt garden at the rear) with less mobility. You see, as my mobility decreases my lard content increases, and the easiest way I've found for loosing the lard is to walk... (the distance I can walk without inflickting damage is rapidly decreasing, anything over half a mile now has me in agony).

and so to the plan....

I want to climb (walk) up Helm Crag in the Lake District about this time next year.

You see, I figure that if I have my new leg fitted at the end of October this year, I'll probably be fit enough to walk up a steep hill by August/September 2008.

I've chosen Helm Crag mainly because of a certain Mr A Wainwright's Pictorial Guides to the Lake Land Fells. A 7 book series to the fells (hills and bigger hills but not quite mountains) within the Lake District (North West England).

Helm Crag is a little easier than some of the other monsters and has a fantastic view of the valley and Grasmere..... all I need is some basic walking gear and the best part of a day to do it.... and a hotel to stay for the weekend.

I'd like to do all this on a weekend, drive up there, book into a hotel, Saturday morning walk to the summit of Helm Crag and spend the rest of the evening in the hotel bar celebrating with my new hip.... then home at some point Sunday..... after the traditional Sunday Lunch of course.

I'm gonna book a room for myself at the Waterside Hotel in Grasmere for the weekend of 22/23 August 2008.... although they arnt taking bookings for August 2008 as yet.

I know its a long way off (time wise), but if anyone fancies tagging along they are more than welcome.

today, I will be that ghost.

Wow.... how quiet can a place be? How excited about [another] new day can someone be?

This morning was very different to the last nine. Not once did I have to say "Shhhhh" people are still asleep! or ask what should we have for breakfast today.....

The flat is still the same, but there's a huge void. The TV's not on, there's no trail of coloured paper, wrappers, crisps, colouring pens, socks, the odd shoe or bits of Barbie that I need to navigate.

Today, my big chair is empty. Thats were Em can usually be found first thing,wrapped in her Barbie dressing gown, waiting for me to join her while the pain au choc warms up in the kitchen.

They say ghosts are attracted to kids because of the huge life force they contain.......

today, I will be that ghost.

Very important kettle news

So Emily has outgrown the local park when it comes to cycling, the next step was to find somewhere she can ride without having to deal with traffic. Not a problem, I remember the Lookout in Bracknell has miles and miles of cycleways for her to play on..... only this time I'd have to join her..... on my own bicycle. That of course introduces more problems, things like, can I actually ride a bike with my gammy leg? will the bike still work (it's been at the back of the garage for about 7 years), and how the hell do I transport two bicycles in a Ford Fiesta?

Ok, problem one: Can I still ride a bike with my gammy leg?

Yes, I tested my ability by borrowing the lodgers bike (sorry bicycle, if you know my lodger then you'll also know about his stash of marriage certificates) . Surprising enough it didn't hurt at all, well the riding didn't, but getting my leg over did (oh boy, that last statement rings true in so many other situations). I found that if I almost lay the bike flat I can straddle it then lift it into position... it looks just as stupid as it sounds... but it works.

Problem two: Does my bike still work 7 years on?

Yes. The tires needed pumping up, a little WD40 in a few places and new batteries for the lights and cycle computer and it was set.

Problem three: Fitting two bikes to a Ford Fiesta

Solved by shedding out £50 on a bike rack, which to my surprise actually worked!

S0, Sunday saw Em and me in Swinley Forest attempting to circumnavigate other cyclists, walkers, walkers with buggies, runners, runners with buggies and what looked like the entire contents of Battersea Dogs Home.... also with buggies.

Anyway, we managed to dodge them all but did succumb a few times to the loose gravely surface but escaped with only slight bruises to the ego. The important part was Em loved it all, and through falling off she also gained knowledge of braking and picking out a more stable route.

Like to see some pictures? well you cant cos I forgot my camera, anyhow, it's not pretty seeing me on a bike, especially in shorts (no, not cycling shorts, there are limits.... and probably decency laws).

Instead, here's a picture of my new kettle

The Last....

I have nothing of interest to say, I understand thats never stopped me before, but for some reason I feel the urge to post something here........ and I need an alternative to the grinding tedium of enforced labour I'm currently experiencing.

The most interesting thing I have to do today is have the tires on my evil Ford Fiesta balanced.... Not even the Buggles "Living in the plastic age" can bring my outta this tedious mood. Anyhow, to try and get some human response (even if it is virtual) I've concocted a LIST of "The Last.."...

Rules are simple, there arnt any. But if you're the type that needs some sort of structure then this should help.

Copy the list below, add your name at the top, delete any previous responses then post back here so we can all attempt to deduce your bank account details, social security number and whether or not you need professional help.

Here goes....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My Name is Dave,  and I'm a blogger and I'm male

The Last.....
 
person you punched.
Paul Robinson. We were both 11 years old. He was gonna beat me up, so I lamped him one while he was taking his pullover off

haircut, how much was it
£16 with a £4 tip

time you thought you were gonna die
I was about 11 years old. I got hit in the head with a flying bolt that Paul Robinson threw at me. I've still never seen so much claret....... or anytime I fly

holiday
Bike Trip to Wales last month

flowers you sent/received
Sent: 2 or 3 years ago, probably to Bebe. Received: Never

album/single/song you bought (and how, store, download, bribe?)
Buggles: Plastic Age. Downloaded

paid job you had
Drum Tech, The Wonder Stuff Tour 2006

alcoholic drink you had
Bulmers Cider, 2 days ago

bowel movement
Yesterday..... but there's still some questions left, you never know!

Kiss
Romantic: probably 2 years ago.

Stitch (either cosmetic, accident, or self prescribed (like Rambo))
Never! not even the flying bolt resulted in stitches (just butterfly clips)

time you cheated on a loved one
Never, not once.... mostly cos I'm bloody ugly and never get propositioned

lie you told your boss
30 seconds ago. He saw the blogger editor! I simply picked up a pen, threw it down the walkway and said "FETCH". Works everytime

time you felt that initial "I'm in love!" feeling
1000 years ago

pair of shoes you bought
I have a feeling it was about 3 years ago.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Management intervention saves the day

HEADLINES: Impending flood at HAL Weybridge office averted by management intervention.

The Environment Agency issued a "very possible....... probably, you never know" flood alert within the Weybridge/Addlestone area. Businesses within the area should "do something or other" to prevent things getting damp, moist or just plain wet.

In response, HAL management convened an emergency meeting at its Weybridge Offices to decide on what should be done about the flood warnings

The plans revealed by its spokesperson involves several senior managers standing at the banks of the Wey Navigation, pointing and instructing the flood waters to cease its advancement and return to the hills from whence it came.

"Operation King Canute will deliver results that are in-line with our business model and will achieve double-digit flood reduction" said a spokesperson.

When asked why the operation had been named after a legendary 11th century King who failed to turn back the tide the spokesman replied "we think the King had the perfect answer, hence the adoption of the name, he failed [King Canute] because he wasn't an "Officer Of The Company" and therefore didn't have the necessary authority"

The spokesperson then added.

"Expectations for success of Operation King Canute are extremely high but should the Operation fail we will instigate our contingency plan which includes a DSG (designated scapegoat), a large sweeping brush and an already lumpy carpet.

Tiggy.

Tiggy.... it what we called the game of "Tag" up north.... which included variations like "Tiggy on high" which involved jumping from coalhouse roof to coalhouse roof in the street (Billy Elliot dances on his coalhouse roof... which, by the way, was filmed in the town I grew up in)

All of which has little to do with the following..... PT tagged me (a blogger tag that is) and as I wasn't standing on my coalhouse roof I have to accept..... and I didn't have "Skinchies" either

The rules are simple…Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The
rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are
listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their
names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know
that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog

Facts/Habits

1. I have a "system" of washing certain body parts in a certain order in the shower. I should point out that they are all my own body parts and this is no way an admission of guilt. The vegetable patch in the shape of my ex wife is purely coincidental and I had planning permission for the patio months before she left.
2. I shave south of the border. Visits to Scotland tend to be matted and itchy
3. I record episodes of "Last of the Summer Wine"
4. I kiss and thank "Mr Blue Sky" every time I make it back to my garage after a rideout
5. I MUST remove the tea bag BEFORE I add milk
6. I sleep with one leg out of the bed and higher than the other (can be either leg too)
7. I can only eat Weetabix in private
8. While watching TV, I make shapes in the air with my foot.... mostly types of loops and figure 8's.... I may start drawing out these shapes on paper, it could be the start of a new kind of workout.... Quick, someone think of a witty name for it!

According to the rules I'm supposed to tag 8 other people..... I don't know 8 other people with blogs that would play...... So I need to rely on any lurkers out there who read this blog but never comment.....

Remember to link back here, we're all very curious to find out more!

New title

New title, or if I were in marketing, had no soul and the morals of pond life, I'd probably call it "Re-Branding".

But for the grace of God......

Anyhow, I've done it. Gone is the Lobster that served me so well in the early days. No more will "Breakfast" be put on a lead and walked down the street.

Instead I now have what I think should be printed on almost anything that has a value to most people. Be it a new car, that house you've saved all these years for, the new born child, the job and career, and the most important of all documents, the marriage certificate.

All need to have the *Happiness not included stamped somewhere. Just as toy manufactures have the disclaimer "* Batteries not included" stamped on the package to inform the stupid and careless that their latest purchase actually needs electricity to run. I think we need to inform the masses that happiness is seldom listed as part of the ingredients and never in a binding contract.

The content wont change, it'll still be full of half thought out notions, ill conceived rants, self pitty emotive and possibly libelous posts.

So, let me know what you think.

It's nobbly and bobbly.

This is a Nobbly Bobbly. .....

Yes, I know what you're thinking. It's just an ice lolly.

But don't be fooled. It probably contains Nicotine, Heroine and/or Crack Cocaine

See. I had no intention of eating an Ice lolly at 09.15 this morning, but look. The horny little devil seduced me with its nobbly bobbly bits filled with illegal substances... probably.

No....

Emily
Lodger
On Call
Club Rideout
Phone Calls
Post
Debates
Visitors
Family Visits
Emails
Video Games
Whispering
Arguments
Cooked Meals
Coffee
Wet bathroom carpet
Nobbly Bobbly's
Conversations
Clothes
Deliveries
Shouting
Commitments

"What did you do this weekend Dave?"

"Nothing, and it was everything I Imagined it would be"

It's persisting down

I found Belgium! It's at the end of France if you need a point of reference.
So, 1001.5 miles in 3 days. No one fell off or broke down and only one puncture amongst 80 bikes. The IAM should be proud!

I was impressed by the Eurotunnel as there's very little fannying about, ride on, wait 30 minutes then ride off into France. As it was my first time the captain invited me onto the flight deck. He then attempted to chat me up and ask me out on a date, I turned him down of course.

The picture above is of the Eurotunnel flight deck on the British side. On the French end the steering wheel is on the other side and the electrics are dodgy.

The entire trip ended up being extremely wet, it started raining at Junction 11 off the M25 in the UK and didn't stop 'till 10 minutes after I got back.

The most impressive thing about riding on the European mainland is the lack of traffic, no open shops and..... no people! I also noticed that the few locals we did meet could speak fairly good English, which is how it should be of course.

I have a medical condition which prevents me from understanding foreign languages but have since managed to say a few french phrases, mostly gibberish, some offensive and a few made up. As I didn't get thumped or arrested I consider that a success.

I also met a fellow WVAM member called Peter Lee. Which is odd because I used to live in Peterlee but was purged sometime ago. No doubt he's got a very large colon. I didn't get much further with Peter as he hummed of "management" and had a forced ambitious side to him. I've no doubt he's a very nice person and will end up happily married to a beautiful and faithful wife with a big house and own several large screen TV's and a heated swimming pool.

Briefly

Quickly barman, the worlds about to end

• Emily's 7th birthday bowling party was a hoot and everyone enjoyed themselves.


• My sister, niece and nephew weren't nearly as obnoxious as I thought they would of been


• I have no idea where Belgium is


• I have a new hoover


• Everyone at work thinks I'm a c**t, but the voices in my head tell me different.


• I'm riding to Belgium at the weekend


• I ate 8 Nobbly Bobbly's on Sunday


• Bleach can un-stain a stained sink


• My lavatory cant handle large amounts of human waste


• The gene that helps you understand a foriegn language was chemically removed from me at an early age by applying light machine oil to the underarms

Road Trip....

This should be fun. Milo is playing a charity event on Saturday in Stourbridge and I've been invited along to a bit of a pub crawl in and about the local environs by Milo's brother Russ.

The pub crawl was organised quite sometime ago, so long ago that I've completely forgotten the reason why.... and being a bloke I'm not about to admit that to anyone (who hasn't read this blog of course).

I love going to the midlands, it's a kinda home coming, even tho I'm not from Brimingham or the Black Country.

The reason I feel so comfortable there is the music. I've always had a leaning towards music from that area. Dunno why, it just is..... Slade, Duran Duran, Electric Light Orchestra, The Wonder Stuff, Miles Hunt, Carina Round, PWEI to name a few.

So, expect a few photo's

Dave "Battenburg" Dawson......

Last week saw another live gig by Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls to promote Mr Hunts new solo album "Not an exit". As usual, a fine performance which has a tendency to restore my faith in humankind just long enough to get me to the next live event.

When Milo does a solo tour it usually includes a stop off at the Half Moon in Putney, that means it's a local gig.... which in turn allows me to get horribly drunk and to revel in Mr Hunts creations.

Now, Miles is well known for his banter between songs, sometimes he explains the story behind the song, sometimes not.... it can be a lottery. What you don't expect is to hear your name mentioned with regard to one of his songs, which is what happened last week.

Unfortunately, I'd past the point of being attentive to what was being said and missed the gist of why I'd been named.

The song I'd been linked to was "The Cake", a title on the new album...... Thank heavens it wasnt "Size of a cow". I didnt have time after the gig to ask what the connection is as Milo was busy signing stuff and I had a lift to catch.... anyhow, whatever the connection, its bloody great being associated with anything that fella produces.

I 'ate you Butler

The original idea was that I "help" a mate with a few issues when it comes to drum fills and breaks. Should be easy enough, an hour on the throne and he'll be breaking around the kit like a pro. Seems teaching is a little more difficult, especially as Aaron (the fella in question) has the rhythm of a collapsing building..... which is a little ironic as from a distance it sounds like he's building a shed*

After several cups of tea it was decided that I'd stick around for the nights session. It came to pass that Aaron had borrowed a small....very very small mixing desk.... no not desk..... more post it pad sized thing along with two studio mics.

Considering that there were to be 2 guitars (bass and electric 6'er), drums, keyboards and two vocalists I decided to opt out of the logistics of gathering all those sounds together into something that resembled organised music. Eventually, when the stench of too many cooks had dispersed we were left with one spare singer and a keyboard without an amp. Apparently the only audience for the keyboard was to be the tape recorder as it seems it plays no role within the band.... don't ask

As it happened I had a bit of a hoot, there were times when bass, guitar and drums found that groove, enjoyed the surroundings, admired the swirlyness before being ejected into the street for groping some blokes squeeze by mistake..... I think its called being creative, sometimes you hit the nail on the head and other times you run screaming into the road hoping to be hit by a number 11 bus to the cemetery gates.

Now then, when I was in a band our "tapes" were kept very close to our chests, most 'cos they were bloody awful, but deep down, we knew we could do better. We'd keep them under wraps until we were tight and could maybe afford some recording time (although we never did).

Aaron decided to "release" them on t'internet. Said like that, it conjours up images of some endangered species being set free in the middle of nowhere, to live out the rest of its days unhindered by man's intervention. Unfortunately, this "tape" should of been corralled into a small area then humanly put to death, quietly and with as much dignity that can be mustered.

Of course I'm being very critical, every journey starts with a single step and this is very much a wobbly stumble across the lino. Who knows, with a little practice it may turn into a runner.

Anyhow, here's a link to the site.... but be careful, its a shocker. Scree


* Aaron. Don't be too upset about my criticisms. This is a blog and artistic licence is in play

I want to ride my bicycle

As you can see, SHE RIDES WITHOUT STABILISERS!!!

But best of all, she did it with her Daddy. Something she wont forget and will carry with her forever, as I will.

Of course she needs a few more hours in the saddle to help with stopping, starting and turning.... but apart from that, she'll be fine!

Water.....

I'm a product of the industrial 70's. I'm built from processed foods, crimpolene, terylene, artificial sweeteners and I probably contain more E numbers than a primary school's kitchen



My body has a half life of several thousand years and will continue to contaminate the water table for some time to come..... although I do seem to be dissolving from the inside out.... my hip and thyroid is one example and the other is currently blocking the lavatory back at the flat (sorry about that John*..... I attempted to tackle it this morning but as I approached it with the kitchen chair and the builders trowel I swear it growled at me!)

This of course has nothing to do with this post... well not much. You see, I just happened to come across a TV program some weeks ago that suggested Aspartame could be linked with the onset and continuation of arthritis, which is the diagnosis I've been given for my knackered hip.

So, I thought I'd attempt to remove this artificial sweetener from my diet...

That means not drinking anymore "diet" soft drinks (amongst other things of course). So, I was on water only..... I've never been fond of drinking water, I dont really like the taste.... and I've seen what fish do it in.... Then there's bottled water, which has too much of a poncy feeling about it... no, It'll have to be filtered tap water. UK tap water is about as pure as you can get, really..... I filter it cos of the fish thing. I know its irrational, but with the help of a Brita water filter I'm overcoming it.

You know, this chilled filtered tap water is quite nice, I do lapse occasionally and have the odd can of Pepsi Max, but not often. I've even been testing out some brands of Tea.... I'm currently drinking two types at the moment......Twinings Pure White Tea and a Ginger Herbal Tea... which is surprisingly tasty.

Next week I shall be experimenting with Yoga.







* John is my lodger, he rents a room from me. He is not my gay live in lover. If I was gay I'd pick someone much better looking (someone "scrummy")

Can we stop to do some shopping?

If you have a bike, then go to Wales..... unless its a Hardly-Ableson as they have corners and bends in Wales that require you to lean the machine into. Something the Hog was never designed to do.

I've just come back from 3 days of intensive biking (750 miles in total). Five blokes, four of them IAM level and one who's almost there..... and not one whining over sensitive fun bothering female person in sight...

God is a biker, there's no other reason to arrange the hills and valleys of Wales in a way that makes almost every road a technical adventure to negotiate on a bike. The Devil of course drives an underpowered Skoda towing an unfeasibly large caravan, or as I like to call them, moving chicanes.

Luckily for us, the Devil was off shaking chimney stacks in Kent and left the Welsh roads caravan free. Bloody fantastic.

Left hander......possible knee down event.

I quickly and unconsciously skim through "the system".... the bend is visible all the way through, nowt on the road, nothing to hit, my position adjusted, just left of the long white divide. Speed and gear selection needs to be perfect, enough speed to keep the adrenalin flowing and the correct gear to neutralise the suspension bias front and back.

Everything slows down, becomes quiet and I feel a tightness spread across my face as the inevitable grin begins to show.... Arse slips off the seat to the left, right elbow anchors itself into the recess contoured into the tank design, left knee and leg rotate outwards ready to skim the bitumen.
Subconsciously I begin the turn, but thats not enough to do this correctly, I need to apply some science and have heroic amounts of self belief to stop under-steering and meeting an oncoming tree....or worse.
Forcing a 1000 yard stare up the road to where I need to be in just a few short seconds and applying a forward push on the left bar to countersteer the bike and myself around the apex...... Ground rush becomes apparent to peripheral vision as the lean angle increases.....I try not to think of the forces being transmitted through the bike, to the suspension and down to the tires and onto a contact patch with the road the size of a credit card.

I can feel the increase in G's spike then begin to fade, perfectly in unison with the degrees of lean. The throttle is slowly opened making sure I don't over do it and spoil the whole experience by spinning up the rear tire too early and invoking a spleen shattering high-side......

As the bike returns to its perpendicular attitude and my arse finds its usual residence I begin to hear a strange noise in my helmet , sounds like a screaming, giggling, over excited 10 year old at a Beyonce concert....... feck...... that noise belongs to me.

Oh look! another bend up ahead...... possible knee down event.

Note to self....

Who needs drugs when you've got music? It can change your mood quicker than a dose of prozak..

So, Mr Hunt is out and about on another tour along with Miss Fidley (aka Erica, pictured above... ain't she scrummy!). I urge you to pop over to his new Myspace page and have a listen to Note to self, to say its bloody marvellous is an understatement in the extreme.

The tour is planned to coincide with the new album released at the end of this month (Not an Exit), so if ya liked the samples on his webpage then get yaself a ticket or two and who knows, I might see ya soon....



I'll be in the usual place at the Half Moon in Putney May 22nd, in the usual drunken state I expect.

Is that bone I can smell burning?

Damn my dodgy hip....

I'm at the stage where I'm attempting to help my daughter to ride a bike. She's 6 and very confident..... which is great, but you do need some basics before you take the training wheels off... like the ability to point the bike in a direction that dosent end up in a collision with either people, trees, kerbs or me. The use of "brakes" seems to be an afterthought... usually after she's hit something.

So, I've been out to the park attempting to "help".... but how? I've found it very difficult to just "let her go" or perhaps that should read "let her fall off".... I got her knee protectors, elbow protectors, hand protectors and a cycle helmet, but its still not enough to put my mind at rest. Maybe I should let her wear the gear instead of me..

Eventually my hip decided it was time I should let her go, I'm not built for jogging in any condition let alone 23 degrees of sunshine.... unless being chased by carnivorous wild animals which thankfully are few and far between within the M25 area. Actually, I'm not really built for any kind of outside hard labour, my genes lie with a life of cold underground digging. When I'm exposed to sunshine my skin turns from its natural northern blue-white shade to a very angry and burnt red colour.

Anyhow, Emily did very well, she scared herself a few times as well as a few passing joggers and dog walkers but didn't actually fall off. Best of all she enjoyed it although she didn't quite get to ride without the training wheels.... maybe next week

I had to resort to a heroic dose of combined pain killers and the walking stick came out to play again..... I just hope Em cracks riding the bike sooner rather than later as the smell of burning hip joint isn't pleasant.

Oh well.

Barking mad

Everything seems to be sorted in the flat.... well, all the major stuff anyhow. For a single bloke that means all the audio/visual equipment is installed and my clothes are still in boxes in the bedroom.

Still dont know a great deal about my neighbours, I'm sandwiched between two single mothers with an undisclosed number of children..... all below the age of 5. As these flats were built in the 70's before compressed straw-walls were invented I've found little noise pollution, but ask me again in another month or so.

The car park outside the flats tells me there's a copper living close, as well as a taxi driver.... the other inhabitants have alluded me so far.

The only strange thing worth mentioning are the kids in the taller block of flats over the road...... they.....bark. Once you get over the initial shock you start to notice that it's not just one type of bark, they seem to be able to produce several types of canine auditory manifestations which include howling, yelping, growling, snarling and occasional whimpering. Thankfully we're separated by a large fence and brick garages. I've have yet to determine if they also foul the pavements and/or bite

The Groove Controller

"The Groove Controller"

Secondhand Serenade

I just cant help it, there's something very warm and now and friendly about an acoustic guitar.

Maybe its just me and the people I've had around me while growing up in a northern town. Very difficult to say what you really mean except when its presented in song on an acoustic guitar.

So, go and sooth ya lugs and listen to whats on offer from this fella.... dunno how much of all the lovey-dovey stuff I can put up with, but it's holding my attention so far.

Secondhand Serenade

My fav at the moment is Maybe, then possibly Your Call (which is a little too sweet for me)

Anyhow, let me know what ya think.

It's all down to me

I no longer need wonder at what point someone else is gonna make me homeless. Which is the feeling I've had since 1993.



I'm the sole name on my mortgage. And that's the way it will stay. I understand that other factors may come into play to force me into a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere, but at least it wont be on a whim and a prayer of some vacuous shallow bint with the morals of a footballers wife.



I came out the other end of my little adventure, battered, bruised and scared for life. It wont happen again, and because of this I carry a small bit of peace that I unfold every night before I fall asleep.



If you're married and a UK bloke then God help you. You'll need it. Our legal system hates you with a passion, it'll leave you bankrupt, homeless and it'll take your children away...especially if you're the one who remained faithful as blame isn't a factor when dealing with divorce.









Tomorrow I'll be talking about the positive side of suicide.

This is for Kat.

I've just read your blog.

...and I'm gutted.

Nothing I say (or anyone else) will help right now. But maybe if you come back at a later stage you'll understand what I've got to say.

First, let me apologise that I havnt replied sooner. As you can see, I've had my hands full, and this is the first time I've been able to check the blogs that matter to me.

Second, it hurts... and I know it.

There's this very large and heavy curtain we like to draw around us when everything we believe in begins to dissolve. It's a very natural defence mechanism which has to take its course. That course can run for some time, there is no formula to work out how long it'll last, all you'll ever know is that eventually it will lift.

Some people never experience it. (usually the mad and the bad)
Some people try to remove it chemically. (but only prolong the agony)
Some people experience it briefly. (the enlightened ones?)

...and some of us...

are never the same again.


Kat, never think you're alone on this one. No matter how small, faraway or insignificant you think I am from your current position, I'll be here... waiting.

I'm In!

It's taken me 17 years to get to this point.

but as of the 15th of this month I can now officially call Ocean Finance and get myself some debt consolidation secured entirely on my new home.

how comforting and refreshing.

Anyhow, everything is now moved. All done without the aid of payed movers which I'll never do again.... it was a nightmare. I managed to over do it and bust my hip again and if it wasn't for the following people who gave up time and a little sweat I'd still be in the old gaff in a pool of my own waste.

So, I'd like to thank....

• The lodger (Mr Wall, who's transformation into "White Van Man" was like something from Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde)
• Chuckie (who supplied heaps of muscle and fat man power)
• Pooch (muscle and bike talk)
• Paul Haygreen (supplier of muscle and a large Audi Estate)

without these fellas, it wouldn't happen.

Check my bins...

I'll be packing tonight... until I move on Thursday.

I think it'll be an equal split between stuff I need to keep and stuff I should keep but cant be arsed to.

Things I've had to throw out so far.....

1. Sony DV Camcorder with remote, spare battery, cleaning tape and case.
2. Bin bags full of XXL clothing I never wore
3. Enough PC parts to make at least 2 reasonable computers and dozens of mice/keyboards
4. Motocross helmet
5. Full set of leathers for a smallish woman
6. 2x Motorcycle jackets
7. Rotofit hamster house
8. Tivo
9. Sony VHS Recorder
   
10. Single Bed
11. Lodger
    

The bodies under the floorboards can stay... that febreze stuff is great.

And dont worry about not giving me a hand to shift all this stuff.... I'm sure with enough tramadol, ibuprofen and paracetamol the constant pain in my hip will subside after the first couple of trips down the 3 flights of stairs in my present flat.....after all, I've got all my family to give a hand! what with the constant visiting and phone calls I get from them you'd never think I'm ONLY 4 HOURS DRIVE AWAY.